So, clearly, it's not that part of being single that was a struggle for me to come to terms with... instead it's that I wrestled with the whys and what-ifs.
What if my poor choices ruined God's plans for me?
What if I unalterably changed the course of my life and have forced God to settle for Plan F? (I was pretty sure I was far beyond just Plan B).
Why would God place such a strong desire to be a wife and mother in my heart, but then leave it unfulfilled?
Why did God choose to allow me to continue being single and lonely while all of my friends weren't? How will the pain that He has allowed me to go through benefit me? What is His purpose? What is He preparing me for?
It's not that I was blaming God with my whys and what-ifs. I genuinely wanted to know what God was thinking and if I ruined it.
Today, I realized that God's plan for my life is not changed by my choices. What He desires for me is not ruined or made impossible by my sinfulness. God is bigger than that. God's plan for me does not change. The same God who knows the end from the beginning has a plan for my life that does not change; He has simply been waiting on me to allow Him to fulfill that plan in my life. How arrogant of me to think that my decisions could actually rock the God of the universe. To think that my choices could shake God or mess up His plans... Really, Amber? I can just hear God saying to me as He did to Job, "Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?"
Over the past month, God has been showing me that His plans for me were laid and set into motion long before I ever had a clue.

Interestingly, during that same conversation with Christin, I was sharing with her that I was so tired of dating boys. I really just wanted someone who knew what it meant to be a man, to be responsible, mature, and to know what life is like. I told her that I really wanted someone who had experienced pain in their life and could relate to me. I said that I wanted someone older, because I've seen and experienced more than most people at my age and needed someone who would be on more even footing with me. Even more specifically, I told her that I would be totally ok with, perhaps even prefer, someone who was divorced. I had been through so many bad relationships, that I needed someone who could relate to me and who could understand what it is like to struggle with trust and/ or vulnerability. Someone who understood what it's like to be afraid of getting hurt again. I told her that I knew that in that sort of situation that there may be a child involved, but that I was really ok with that. Of all the things that I could potentially have to deal with in a relationship, being a stepparent and loving a child that I didn't give birth to really wasn't something that concerned me as long as my husband and I were on the same page regarding the role that I play and made decisions together for things that affect our home and our family. Obviously, it does add an extra person to consider. (Well, two really, because the ex-wife will always be in the picture with a child involved and we would be co-parenting, so that person has to be considered too.) A child comes with challenges that wouldn't be present otherwise (like having to interact with the ex-wife... let's be honest, no girl dreams of getting married and having to deal with her husband's ex-wife for the rest of her life, no matter how wonderful of a person she may be), but that those were things that I could handle. There are a lot of "bad" relationship things that I do not have the fortitude or personality to deal with, but that is certainly not one of them.
I had no idea that I was describing Brian. Sometimes I wonder what Christin was thinking as I talked. Long before I even knew Eric and Christin, before I knew Brian or Rachael existed, I had decided that I could handle the unique set of challenges that come with having an ex-wife and a child.
Just knowing this background information of how God was working on Eric and Christin long before they mentioned anything to Brian or me, left me in awe of how God works out His plans. Interestingly, this was not the first I had heard of Brian. It goes beyond Eric and Christin's first mention of Brian. Brian and I both had profiles on a dating site and I had been checking him out for a few months, but just hadn't contacted him because... I just don't do that. Funny, but he had been checking me out too.
To be continued...
No comments:
Post a Comment